Perfectly Jen,Project Parenting
My kids and I are all on what I like to call the spirited spectrum. Meaning that we are each spirited in different ways and to varying degrees. Are you familiar with the term spirited? It was first coined by the brilliant and heroic education expert, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Ed.D. in her super insightful book, Raising Your Spirited Child. This book was born out of Mary’s own search for a better description of her amazingly bright AND highly sensitive and persistent son. Having been raised herself in the kids should be seen and not heard era the only terms to describe kids like her son were all negative, including: defiant, stubborn, difficult, the list goes on, but none of it good. She knew this wasn’t true. While her son was slow to transition and quick to express frustration he was also kind, loving, creative, thoughtful and enthusiastic. She needed a definition that acknowledged the challenges and celebrating her kiddo’s strengths at the same time. And that, is how she came up with using the word, spirited. I love it! The labels we use impact how our children feel about themselves, as well, how we and others feel about them. It is so key to focus on the positive and help our beautiful little peeps feel like the superstars they already are!
Spirited: full of energy, enthusiasm, and determination. “a spirited campaigner for women’s rights”Synonyms: lively, vivacious, vibrant, full of life, vital, sparkling, energetic, dynamic, active, enthusiastic, passionate
When I start engaging in a struggle with my daughter over say, brushing her hair in the morning before school, I can feel my blood pressure literally rising as the situation escalates. I catch myself thinking, “Why in the heck can you not. just. brush. your. hair?!! Just brush it! Like, RIGHT NOW. In the time we have been struggling over this, it could have been done.” I brush my hair. Everyone with hair has to BRUSH THEIR HAIR (unless it is really short, but we aren’t talking about them). Does this sound familiar? If so, listen up. Yes, this type of behavior is frustrating. Yes, life would be easier if your little human would brush her hair without all the drama. However, there is a flip side here. Stop and image one of the more mellow people you know. Really picture this person. Mine is sweet Mrs. Kelly, my daughter’s Kindergarten teacher. Would this person be screaming? Would she be stomping around completely beside herself? Would she be threatening to take away toys and privileges? I am just wondering…hmm. In my case, the answer is no. Mrs. Kelly would assess the situation calmly. She would decide if it was worth the struggle. If it was a necessary task, she would likely try to figure out what the protest was about and address it. In the end, my daughter would either do what was required or experience a logical consequence for not doing it. There would be no yelling, no random unrealistic “you are grounded forever” type threats and no taking it personally. Now, I can’t speak for Mrs. Kelly, but she is more of a symbol of a better approach, so for the sake of example, I will assume that she would not be feeling victimized or disrespected, because she would know that Milena’s behavior has nothing to do with her. IT ISN’T PERSONAL. She is not setting out to make life difficult for anyone on purpose.
So, I say, let’s ask ourselves, “If we took some of the emotion out of the situation and didn’t see it as a plot to make us late to school and work, would we be happier?” While it is not easy and I have many slip ups, I feel much better (calmer, more relaxed and happier) when I let go and step back. When I remember that it isn’t personal and that I fiercely love my little girl. It helps to remind myself that I am spirited too. She isn’t the only one reacting extra strongly to the situation. She is the beautiful little kid she is partly because I am her equally persistent, enthusiastic and sensitive mom.
Remember too, these types of relationships take a lot of effort and self-control, so you need to be up for the challenge. So take care of your awesome self by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, doing fun things and focusing on recharging your battery. A tired, cranky mommy + a spirited kid = disaster. Don’t even go there, girlfriend!
Adding to the tip above, I think it is so important to remember that respect is a two-way street. It is easy to get caught up in the idea that life is full of hierarchies and that simply by being in authority as parents we are entitled to respect. Old school ideas focus on kids being either respectful (saying and doing what they are supposed to, complying with directives) or disrespectful (speaking out of turn, not doing cores when asked, having tantrums). I would rather have the kind of respect that people like Gandhi earned. The respect that comes from my kiddo seeing me as a role model of the type of values I say I believe in. Respect cannot be forced. Have you ever had a boss that made you feel like you didn’t matter? That your needs were unimportant? That the work you did, even all the extra time and effort, was just a given? How did you feel about that person? Did you want to go the extra mile? Did you want to see her succeed? Or did you secretly think about leaving that job the first chance you got? Maybe even feeling a little delighted that it would come as a surprise to your ungrateful boss and leave her without the support you had been thanklessly providing for years.
This is how I think kids can feel to varying degrees if we have a do as I say approach to parenting. We are all humans, obviously. Which means that we all have our own thoughts and feelings (again stating the obvious). While I see myself as a boss because I am a mom, I also remember that I will have more authority and influence if I am respectful of my kids and value their thoughts and feelings as well. Is that the kind of boss I would want? Um…yes.
So, when I am rested and I haven’t overbooked myself and I have the presences of mind to be intentional, I am waaaay more likely to sidestep power struggles with my daughter. Instead of wondering, “How dare she? Doesn’t she know how this will impact me? Now we are all going to be late because she doesn’t listen to the boss!”, I try to think about what she might be going through. Why isn’t she brushing her? Why is she getting so upset? I try ask questions and look for a mutually agreeable solution instead of forcing my schedule and my will on her like a tyrannical supervisor.
Often, when I stop to ask questions, the situation starts to deescalate. As soon as Milena feels like I actually care about why she is struggling, she starts to feel heard and we can both set down our battle gear. Sometimes the solution is easy. I had no idea that brush hurt her head when she tried to use it. I find another brush and the problem is solved. Or, I find out she is in a fight with a friend at school, and the hair brushing issue is a stall tactic because she is afraid to go to school. Other times, she didn’t get a good nights sleep and her coping skills are just lower because of the sleeplessness, who knew? Not me. Why? Because I didn’t ask. Because I was too focused on whether or not my authority was being challenged to think about where she was coming from.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, we all want it. Amen!
Alright now, STOP. COLLABORATE. and LISTEN. Thanks, MC Hammer for the wise words of advice. Another key to sidestepping power struggles is to remember the end goal of parenting. The end goal is to send a young adult out into the world who has learned to be responsible and independent. A youngster who has internalized core values of kindness, respect for others, honesty and all the other good stuff we want for them. They can only gain these skills and grow into upstanding citizens through practice, the ability to exercise age appropriate judgement, and through the self confidence that comes from being raised with love and respect.
P.S. The gorgeous picture of Milena was taken by the very talented Kim Tsui, check out her photography here!
featured, parenting, power struggle, spirited
I am here to help you create an awesome life!
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xoxo,
Jen
So spot on Jen! My daughter was an extremely ‘spirited” child. She’s 24 now and still pretty much the same!
xo
rs
Hi Richelle,
Thanks for sharing that. It is always great to know that we are in this together. xoxo, Jen
Wow, this is so my life, haha. Power struggle after power struggle. Lol.